04 January, 2017

20 Years Of Bottled Up Tears Finally Released


24, Dec. 2016 

9:00(ish) AM 
My Grandmother's headstone. I marked off her name for privacy reasons.

It's been an emotional 2 hrs! Clay and I got 6(fake) red roses & drove out to the cemetery(I drove bc we were in my old stomping ground). 

The closer we got to Gueydan(GAY-don, or GAY-Dun)...the worse my anxiety. I hadn't been out there to "see" my Mamie since we were there to bury her when I was 12 yrs old. I've been over the years to bury other family members, but after the ceremony was over we left and I never had the chance to go over and see her grave. 

I've been wanting to see her for many years now, but wasn't sure where she was buried...but had an idea, so I parked near that area and just started walking. 

This is the part that seemed weird to me. While I was walking around, I felt as though I wasn't myself. I can't really explain it, but I've only felt this way one other time. 

The more I walked around these graves the more my anxiety hit...I wandered around like a lost little puppy. I was sobbing the whole time, I'm sure it was a pitiful sight to see. I started crying out to God to please let me find her grave because I didn't know when I would be out there again.

I had walked around that one whole section and looked in another section and felt the need to talk to my Mamie. 

*note*
Now, what I'm not saying that what was said next(not do I actually believe this was why I found her grave) was what led me to find her grave. But, it did help me feel a little better and I even got a chuckle out of it.

I was blinded by extreme anxiety and grief while walking through the cemetery that I overlooked her grave.(I never really grieved over the loss of my grandma). 

I said "you know, you always were a stubborn woman. So, guess what...I'll have another daughter and name her after you...like you told me to NEVER to do...so come on already & show me where you are already!"

Not 5 seconds after I said that,  we got to the end of the other section and I crossed the road within the cemetery & I saw her grave....I was like  "really...😐seriously?! I JUST walked by here about five times!"

So I sat by her and "talked" to her. Cried, sobbed, told her I was sorry that I've broken her promise to her by crying(She always told me to NEVER cry over her death because she was better off). I Told her I missed her & that I tried to bring her yellow roses because I knew she loved them, but I couldn't find them...so I got red ones. 

I also told her that I hoped she would be proud of who I have become and of the man that I married. I also told her that I knew she would just love her 3 great-grand-babies & that I know she is loving on our 3 angel babies up there in Heaven.

When we was time to go, clay cleaned up some of the old nasty dry rotted flowers that had fallen on the ground, picked up an old tattered flag for a WWII Veteran that was buried behind my Mamie, he carefully rolled it up & placed it on his grave, then I walked hand in hand with my husband and we drove away. 

I'm thankful for my husband. He is my rock. My love. My Hero. My best friend. I'd be even more of a wreck if he hadn't of gone with me. 

I'm ashamed of how horrible the family has let her grave get. It's an insult to my Mamie and I hate it. I will be going back out there sometime this year to give her a new pretty flower arrangement, and to clean the grave up a bit. 

After we got back into Gueydan, I drove down Main Street, down to where mom and I lived when I was little and drove past where grandparent's house used to stand. 

It felt so weird to be back there, so many memories(both good & bad) in that town, but it was a burden that needed to be lifted. Not all of it was but it was enough to help me carry on lighter emotionally. 

I recently saw a quote that I loved & I will end by saying this; Today I close the door to the past, open te door to the future, take a deep breath, step through it & start the new chapter in my life....


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